Confession

I love Christmas. Doesn't everyone? I mean, if you don't, then you're a lot like that credit card commercial with Jimmy Fallon, when he's talking about how everyone likes money - except that little baby in the high chair who is super adorable and throws cheerios at the thought of getting money. And believe me, I've met some of the people who don't like Christmas, and prefer Halloween. Nothing against you. Except that you're weird.

But the holiday season isn't always an easy time for me. And this is the confession part. Because honestly, the holidays remind me sometimes of how tight my budget is. I know, you're saying well, everybody's budget is tight. And I also know that the economy hasn't been what it once was and so everyone is feeling the stretch of their wallets for the season. But sometimes I still feel it all around me that people are spending here and there and everyone, dressing up their houses with 3+ trees, decorating the outside to the T, filling the space under their trees with presents for their family, their extended family, and all their closest friends. They find it in their budget to get tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and even catch a movie on the weekend since so many good ones came out recently the whole family can see. Meanwhile, I bought $3 lights to put on our one bush outside of our townhome, and the box under our tree is a fake present to create an illusion of gifts, and our one tree is as big around as the size of my biggest hug.

I know, I know. I'm being petty and jealous. I really don't mean to be. But sometimes in our marriage/life I can sense the repercussions of the decisions we made such as marrying so soon, and not waiting till I finished college, which resulted in an extra 3 years of school instead of one semester. I could have almost had my PhD by now, which is a future goal. We also had Lily, which was a surprise, but one of the best things that ever happened to us. Meanwhile, people who are younger, have been married longer, but waited until the "time was right" have good careers, they're buying their first houses, and have cars that aren't a worry from one week to the next. And while we did everything right in the eyes of God such as getting married instead of playing house and waiting 2 years of marriage before a baby even came along and we work hard, sometimes it feels as though we may never get ahead and we'll always be rubbing our pennies.

Don't miss the point of this post. We aren't destitute. We are in fact quite blessed. We have never reached a point where we couldn't pay our bills, we always have what we need for Lily, our cars are always taken care of in time, and our townhome is the nicest place we've lived in thus far. I have a great job that will last me as long as I'd like to keep it I'm sure, and it's the first I've ever had that comes with things like Christmas parties, presents and bonuses. Ben has a solid job where the bosses love him, and maybe could be looking at a promotion in the future. We understand that we are blessed, that we never go without, and that we have so much more than many others in this world. God provides, He is good to us, and He cares for us. This I know. I just sometimes wish it didn't feel like the lack of money in my life seemed to want to bite me in the behind at least once a week. Rear its ugly head to remind me about my poor financial decisions that I've made, or even make me think if we had but waited to start our lives together would it really be so much different for us now?

So this Christmas, I'm trying to remember that there is so much more to this life how many presents you can count under the tree. The size of the living space that you can decorate, how many holiday events I've attended, or even further, how I'm going to survive the New Year financially. Because I'm reminded when I but close my eyes and remind MYSELF, that while there are those around us living in abundance, we are as well. We are rich. I am full of food in my belly. My toes are warm in my crocheted slippers. My tv is yelling football at me while my husband plays on his phone. My daughters sleeps warm in her bed with a full belly and a floor full of toys, and I will wake up tomorrow and go to my job that seems fairly happy to have me, and for another day, I will get paid. And as I've always been, I am blessed.